Thursday, February 22, 2007

What Ever Happened to Poetry Thursday?

Local Cemetery

They up and moved themselves to some fancy new website.

I don't care for that.

If you can't play in Bloggerville with the rest of us (or in some adjacent neighborhood, such as WordPress: the only other acceptable blogish-town, in my internet-geekish opinion) then count me out.

I don’t like it when blogs get too big for their britches, is all.

But perhaps it has something to do with 'em getting too many hits.

I wouldn’t know...I have about one-fourth the readership the deadblog got, and have a pretty good feeling that dear old deadblog shall haunt me for all eternity.

Note to fellow Bloggers: Never kill your blog. ;)

And yes, I am feeling a million times better this morning. For those of you who care. Thank you! And here's a poem for you, not in honor of Poetry Thursday, mind you, but for Poetry the Day Between Wednesday and Friday ™.

(Ash giggles, and gets quiet, serious, dare I say pretentious)

An Ode to Soup, and All Mankind

If spoons were made of cheddar cheese
I'd keep you between my knees
Where soup cans roll about the floor
To knock upon my open door

We'll eat tomatoes, crackers too
and dine upon your pining stew
For bread to break and tea to sip
Watch it now: you'll stain my slip.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Out of my misery

I'm sick. Sick sick sick. Burning with fever, and exhausted from taking care of a sick little toddler. Dragging her to the doctor where we waited two whole hours with other sick people, getting even sicker.

I'm miserable. And tired. And haven't been online but once since Valentine's. That was only for a bit, and then we got sick. We've been sick. She's getting better, and I'm getting worse.

My mind is reduced to medicine and sweat.

After my bath tonight, I couldn’t sleep for all the napping I did. Now it's two in the morning and all I can say is I'm sick.

(sniffles...coughs)

I'm going back to bed.

Please send soup.

Or throw rocks at my head.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

This Modern Love


Yesterday was God awful, and last night was even worse, but I'm trying to enjoy the morning, so I'll cover it later.

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day!!

I have the afternoon off, and even though my plans fell through, I'm still going out, alone, in search of something good. Something happy! Or, at the very least, something to write about.

I hope you have a lovely, romantic, WONDERFUL day! :)

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Where do you go to hide from yourself?

Me, last Monday.

What a God awful weekend. Yesterday was horrible. Gray skies, and cold wind, and no wonder I haven't taken my child for a walk since Tuesday.

We bundled up, and ventured out, though. She discovered the rake, and I suppose I discovered it too, considering the fact I forgot we even owned one. She went to sweeping up leaves and dragging 'em around. Sticking the metal teeth into big holes all scattered about the soft yard.

Don't hurt yourself, I said a million times.

She ignored me, and said, I got it, Mommy. I can do it!

And went about her raking, as I eventually ignored her too, getting lost in my own messy head.

I wish I could shrink myself down, along with the rake, and get to work on all the papers flying around in there. I'd make a big pile for burning, though I don't suppose lighting a fire in your head would be wise, and Baby Girl would probably just tromp through it before I could get it lit.

So instead of shrinking and burning, or distracting my child from her newfound talent, I started thinking of game plans, as far as writing is concerned. It's the same battle-with-myself as it has been for nearly a year now: "I want to write a blog. No, I should write a novel. What about a short story. God knows I need to edit. Why don't I try to get published. And I need to write letters. I need to clean house. I need to pay bills..." [Giant explosion goes off in Ashley's head].

Back inside, I did all the stupid things I'm supposed to do, even on a Saturday night, and wouldn’t it be nice to actually have a date. Or do something fun. Something creative!

No, I cooked and cleaned, and put Baby Girl to bed around nine-thirty. I went to my room and ran a bubble bath, complete with music, a knife (in case someone breaks in), a notebook and an ink pen. I thought I might try writing in the tub.

I didn't work.

My notebook got wet, and then I was sadder than I was before. Sat crying in this mountain of bubbles; trying so hard to pretend someone was standing there near the counter just to cheer me up, but I couldn’t. I'm too lonely. Like getting so sleepy you can't even sleep. You pass a certain point, and then you're overtired.

I'm overlonely.

I just wish I could figure it all out, and stop being so damn childish and jealous of everyone else who has time and energy for their own wants and needs at the end of the day. Or at the beginning.

How am I supposed to get it all done, and be happy with myself?

I climbed into bed and called a close friend. I nibbled on crackers, and flipped through the channels (Yes, I finally put a TV in the bedroom, despite my better judgment). I told him how I worked all day, but didn't even come close to getting everything done, and I had to get some sleep so I could wake up and write. How my writing has turned to crap considering the fact I didn't write at all (or very little) over those stupid six weeks, and was so scared if I didn't put something decent on this blog, I'd lose all my friends because why would they want to read a poorly-written blog? I'm so scared they'll all hate me anyway.

This is when my friend started yelling at me, which I obviously deserved.

I listened, crying on my pillow, watching a Ladybug crawl up and down the wall as I interjected the occasional "Yes, I know. I'm crazy."

After he finished his rant, he became very patient again, and started listing all my faults and how to fix them.

I love friends like this. They see things I can't. Like a writer reading someone else's work. I'll catch every single mistake you make, but in my own story, I continue reading what I think I’ve written versus what is actually on the page.

He says I'm just paranoid. And nobody hates me. And if I don't have time for everything, prioritize, and don't feel guilty or selfish. And people won't quit being my friend just because my writing is bad.

Didn't they stick around while you were gone? he asked. You act like they didn't.

In my own head, I'm so scared people regret sticking around (not only here, but in my real life too) . That they should leave, and that's why I sometimes act as if they already have.

He told me to stop thinking like that, and to quit crying. Go to bed. Wake up and make some time for yourself.

Which I just did. But now I'm off to get dressed and go to Wal-Mart by myself. Thank God! I need a vacation from my child and this house, and the sun's finally out for the first time since Tuesday.

I only wish I could shake the feeling that a million other things have gone undone and unsaid, both offline and on, and how does everyone do everything for everyone? Especially themselves.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

A fast glimpse of you


I'm sorry for making the "I'm Back" announcement only to follow it up with absolutely nothing.

I picked a bad week to (re)start blogging.

I suppose though, it's like everything else in life: if you don't start today, you'll never start.

It seems there's a more famous way of saying that; an actual quote or something, but it's three in the morning here and I‘m tired. I couldn’t sleep due to my lack of writing. Though I did manage to write something on Thursday: a two page blog piece I have since deleted.

I was happy with it at the time, and would have posted it had Baby Girl not woken up before I finished editing. And because of that writing, I managed to sleep eleven hours Thursday night. Not getting online at all Friday, I find myself here now, desperately wanting to write something. Anything!

I guess I need to be an all or nothing type girl (as I am in so many other situations): If I don't post everything, I'll end up posting nothing. No new entries, and then I'll lose the rest of my readers and/or friends...God knows leaving for six weeks didn't exactly HELP in that department.

So what happened in the meantime? I was gone for so long, surely something happened...

We had Christmas.
Then New Years.
I lost the internet.
Lost my muse.
Didn't write.
Cut my hair.
Lost some weight.
Printed out the novel.
Went to the dentist twice.
Watched a film that changed my life.

Now I'm trying so hard to write this blog, and get back in touch with all the people I care about. Plus, Valentine's Day is coming. It's one of the only holidays I actually like.

I read the city of Verona receives a thousand letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine's Day.

I think that's the most romantic thing EVER!

I wish I was Juliet...

I'd read those letters over and over, and finally reply on perfume scented paper with a big feather pen and a lipstick kiss on every single envelope.

I find it sad, though, that no one writes to Romeo.

Monday, February 5, 2007

To hell with the blues


I haven't been here in six weeks.

I was stressed out over the holidays, and busy with all that nonsense. Then I lost my internet connection due to not paying my bills.

I'm back now, though. Catching up, and trying to write, and looking forward to reading and talking to friends.

I just wanted to get this first post over with. And get on with my life. ;)

So...

Merry Christmas!!
Happy New Year!!
Happy Groundhog's Day!

I hope everyone is well.