Slowly Sinking

Feeling playful, yet lonely. I haven't slept. It's been raining here since Wednesday morning. Gray. Storming.

Sorry for my lack of posting and presence in general: I haven't been online much this week. Busy. Sad. Etc.

I hope everyone else is happy and well.

Just for fun, and fluff, and Friday, I stole the following survey from my friend JVS:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

My idea of perfect happiness is walking barefoot on a beach with blue skies, blue water, white sand, soft and smooth. Sun setting. Rising. Making love in the inbetween time. Then running home to a big warm bath, and equally warm and big bed with a skylight above me so I can see the stars. Somewhere that isn’t a trailer in tornado alley. With a man who actually loves me, for what’s in my heart if I have one.

That, and being a published writer.

What is your greatest fear?

Never being a published writer.

What is your favorite journey?

The journey from the blank page to the full page.

What do you consider the most over-rated virtue?

Love.

What virtue do you wish you had more of?

Patience.

On what occasion do you lie?

When my head and heart both agree that it’s best and basically harmless. But I don’t like to lie, and rarely do so.

Which words do you most over use?

In real life: No (to Baby Girl). I’m lonely. [Profanity]

In my writing: God Damn. Come. Inbetween. In general. Blue. Green. Sun.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Shoes.

What do you dislike about your appearance?

I’ve come to terms with my outward appearance. I think it’s all right. Not too fond of the stretch marks, though. Or my giant nose.

Which living person do you most despise?

My step-dad.

What is your greatest regret?

Not killing step-dad.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

What, would be my writing. Who, would be Baby Girl. And in the more romantic sense: the boy who broke my heart into thousands of tiny pieces when I was sixteen.

When and where were you happiest?

In the front yard, at a party, on New Year’s Eve, 1999. I will forever live in that little moment in time when we were together, and just starting to fall in love. Thinking the world was fixing to end, I asked him to crawl into the backseat and sleep with me. When he said no, I loved him immediately.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Singing. Tis a dream of mine to star on Broadway.

What is your current state of mind?

Dark clouds, clearing? Breaking. Something new and exciting on the horizon. A chance to wander through tall grass. Run towards the sunlight. Be warm and happy in a constant state of writer’s delight. Yet my heart is aching. I am lonely. Quiet. Restless on this long and rainy night.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

There’s no answer to this question for me. My family is a lost and broken cause.

If you could die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?

I’d come back as a cat. Lie in bed all day. Sit on people’s laps. Rub my tiny nose against their cheeks. Be petted. Loved. Fed. Watered. Adored by my owner. Sit in the windowsill warming my sleek black fur. Stare at the sun. Chase mice. Purr while having my tummy rubbed.

What is your most treasured possession?

All my writing and photos.

What thing would you like to have, that you do not?

A real house.

What do you think is the lowest depth of misery?

The lowest depth of misery is helplessness during a time of danger. People cowering in war zones. Children being beaten in their own homes. Kids being shot at school. Families in burning buildings. People on crashing planes. Dieing in pain, with no escape.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Intelligence. Unless he’s WAY smarter than me, and makes me feel stupid in comparison.

What physical quality do you like in a man?

I like dark hair, dark eyes, kind smiles, big noses, strong arms. Really short, or really tall. Not too thin or too fat. Middle age is nice. They know who they are, and where they’ve been. Not always where they’re going. But that’s half the fun: being with them when they figure it out.

What do you most value in friends?

Compassion.

What quality do you most dislike in a person?

Cowardice.

Who are your favorite writers?

Frank McCourt. Dr. Seuss. Shakespeare. All my blogging friends.

Who are your heroes in real life?

My heroes are Frank McCourt, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Audrey Hepburn, and Sufjan Stevens. Frank won the Pulitzer. Bogart is just flat-out fantastic. Bacall had the balls to get what she wanted, and keep Bogart on his toes. Audrey was gorgeous, and graceful, and kind. Sufjan is also gorgeous, talented, writes and sings and plays from his heart.

What are your favorite names?

Francis, Tobias, Atticus, and Benjamin, for boys.

For a girl: Juliet.

How would you like to die?

Plane crash. Drowning. Or in my sleep would be just fine.

What is your motto?

Be calm.

Be clear.

Be concise.