I'm Lost
I haven't posted since my birthday, and now it's the tenth. The tenth day of the tenth month, and I'm getting drunk. It's somewhere between night and morning. I'm lonely. Sad. Feeling low for being a horrible blogger and an even worse friend.
I'm not sure where to begin...
I walked outside at two thirty am, and looked up at the sky, and there's the moon, burning slightly dim, with this perfect white ring all around. No stars or clouds, just the moon and its ring.
I can't find the time to get online anymore.
I'm so tired. Stressed out, and busy.
I miss people. But I just can't find the time...
Some of my friends have been saying goodbye to me.
I'm not leaving.
Some of my friends hate me for not being good to them.
I don't know what to do...
I've got so much I want and need to do, but I can't find the right balance. I can't write and blog, and be mommy, and worker, and woman, and friend. I'm so tired. What do I do?? How do I fix it?? How do I make everything right. Catch up and stay caught up and write and blog and work and play and cook and clean and sleep and everything to everyone all the time, consistently.
It never ends.
I'm going to bed.
Going out to the lake tomorrow to clear my heart and head.
I hope to come back, and have all the answers. Start writing and blogging again.
Be Mommy and worker and woman and friend.
10 comments:
You owe yourself and Babygirl time, first and foremost; don't worry about the all-consuming rest of the world until you take care of you and your own.
You only have finite time and energy, so prioritize and make time for what's most important to you, and don't sweat not being Super Ash, able to race through time and space in a single bound and please everybody and do everything.
Those friends will understand and stay with you; those who don't just aren't your friends, is all.
It's all part of the dance, precious! :)
Ash,
I know that you want to be there for everyone. Thanks for being honest and letting us know how you are feeling.
No need for apologies, to us, of course, but you may feel that they are necessary. And it's ok to express your regret for not being able to do all the things that you want. Maybe the apology is as much to you as they are for us.
I know you know that you can't do everything. You may just wish you could. Take care of yourself and clear your head. Do what you need to do. We'll be here when you are ready.
I'm sorry that you've been so lonely and so troubled. I hope you find the peace you so deserve. Take as much time as you need.
Brian
Yes, the eternal dance between all the selves, and nothing feels fully attended to - I'm doing it myself :-(
Just don't hold out waiting until you have the right answer. You'll be waiting a long time!
And I love, love, loved your comments on my blog yesterday and I can't wait for you, Mimey and me to go swimming into nanowrimo.
p.s. I hold a torch for dark eyes and beautiful Roman noses ;-)
I'm sorry that you are feeling so down in the dumps right now. I cannot say that I know where you are coming from b/c I don't but when all in doubt, ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need some time and finding a way to destress. That's what friends are for and family. One thing you might try if you are into natural things is going to the store and buying some Holy Basil. I use it to stay unstressed and it works fairly well, along with other things too. So cheer up and remeber tommorrow is another day.
happy belated my dear :)
sometimes the hardest person to be everything to is your own self...
Don't forget to be Ash for a while too!
Love to you, as ever, X
I know you aren't a regular on my blog, and that is ok. I enjoy coming to yours because I enjoy hearing about what you are up to. Try not to let yourself get stressed out.
That is a lovely photo.
I liked looking at your old photo blog but I like your written word better. You have decades and decades left (I hope!) to write and not write.
When I was your age the only writing I did was when I puked spaghetti-0s.
Mr. Beer n. Hockey:
I'm so glad you liked my photoblog, and my word blog.
It's so very nice to meet you! :)
I love Spaghetti-O's too.
...
Gary: I use to be a regular to lots of people, and now, I've just sort of fallen behind. I think it's old age in Blogger years. ;)
The new people are so much more active and enthusiastic about it.
I do love your blog though, and I'm so glad you liked this picture. Tis my beloved lake. :)
...
JVS: As always, you're absolutely right...I've got to find time to be Ash.
Thank you for reminding me. :)
...
Heidi: Also absolutely right...but I've been good enough to myself for a while now, and want to be good to others. :)
...
Josh: Thank you! :)
It's great to hear from you.
...
DWMom: Thank you so much for the advice! :)
You're right also...I do need to ask for help a bit more in my offline life. And I use to take something similar to Holy Basil. Kava Kava, I think it was, and it seemed to help. Especially when I chased it with a Marlboro Light. ;)
...
BB: Oh, I'm so sorry you're doing the "dance" as well.
I hope to everything you find balance and peace. :)
As for my comment: I think I was a bit drunk, actually, so it's a relief to know you enjoyed it!
And Roman noses...I'm quite guilty of owning one. ;)
And yes, swimming in NaNoWriMo's going to be such a blast! I can't wait. :)
...
Brian: Thank you so much for also being honest, and for understanding and wishing me peace.
I wish you the best as well. :)
...
Daibh: You've pinpointed it...I never prioritize! That's my biggest problem...I just can't seem to get my priorities straight. And thank you, also, for understanding, and staying by me. :)
...
Happy Friday, everyone! Take care.
Love,
~ Ash
Post a Comment