I'm outside your house

Looking through the window at a happy family, eating soup, or something from bowls with spoons. Steam rising making everyone's cheeks warm and pink. You and your wife and your kids, and everyone's happy, smiling. Your eyes all twinkle a bit as I lower my head. I walk away. Slowly at first, staring at my shoes making imprints in yesterday's snow. Then faster. Running down the sidewalk with one hand doing what it will, the other holding the letter, folded in an envelope.

You don't want what's inside.

And I won't bother you with it. I won't interrupt your dinner, your life. I won't ask for more than you can give me. I won't ring that doorbell and ask to come inside. Just for a moment, to warm myself by your fire, or at your soup or say nice things to your wife and kids. Oh what lovely things you have, here in this well furnished place with stairs that lead up to the bedroom where I wish you'd take me, but I know you never will.

...

I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Feeling sorry for the world in general.

Just felt like writing something.

It's Friday the 13th, and that's always a fun day for writing. Holidays, and other such special occasions usually inspire me. I think I might start a new short story later today. I'm not working. Didn't work yesterday. I had a hell of a day Monday, and Tuesday also, despite going to the lake: I did work until two. And then Wednesday was busy...plus I'm going to be majorly swamped next week. So, why not take off a couple days while things are light, and no one cares? Yes, I'm allowed that luxury. As long as the paperwork gets entered and filed, and as long as I meet next week's deadline, I can take off without any fuss.

I want to mention a few things, and then go back into my dark little corner where Pete Yorn is waiting to serenade me.

...

Yesterday, I wrote about buffets. Seems kind of silly out of context, but I think I can explain...

At the deadblog, for those of you who don't know or don't remember, I had a system that worked fairly well for me almost the entire time I was there: I'd sit down each morning (it was night for the Stuckeyblog, but I switched to mornings to help curb the depression and/or drinking...which yes, I need to do again. No more all and/or late night postings from me...I'm going to bed, and putting the bottle in the deep freeze...I'd sit down, though, and write for at least two hours every day I was online, and whatever came to me, that's what I posted...just a slight amount of editing, and no worries as to how unpolished it was.

I've been too concerned with "polishing." Writing pieces only to save them as drafts, print them out, edit, and deem 'em unworthy for posting. Toss 'em in the trash.

That's not helping me though.

I need to be unpolished. I need to improvise. Be extemporaneous. Less hard on myself.

So anyway...if my posting seems a bit, Why is she writing THIS? Just ignore me. I'm a sad little twenty-three year old who just desperately needs to return to her old system, lest she quit writing publicly altogether.

I sincerely hope no one will mind.

...

I'm going out tomorrow!

There's a big local festival uptown. I go every year. You may recall (again, for those of you who've been with me for a while), last year, I saw the boy I lost my virginity to, and he flat out ignored me. Which yes, hurt my heart very badly.

I'll be going with my sister, my mother, and of course, Baby Girl.

...

Speaking of her, and all that you may or may not remember...a year ago yesterday was the day when she got into my medicine and was rushed to the emergency room, where they wanted to load her up into a helicopter and fly her off to Children's Hospital in Little Rock. I said no, and here we are, one year later.

I think it's safe to say, she didn't swallow those pills after all.

...

I finally made my dentist appointment with Dr. Hottie!

Come early November, I'll get that tooth fixed, and all will be well in my mouth again.

...

And finally, I want to apologize for my whining and bitching and complaining about time, and/or the lack thereof.

It's completely and totally my fault, and I hope to God I didn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable or guilty, or a bane to me. No one is. I am the soul bane to my own little existence. I love everyone else, and sometimes don’t realize how my horrible lack of prioritizing can effect others. And really, that's all it is: I do have quite a bit on my plate (we all do), but it's not so much that I can't handle or carry it. I just lost my balance is all. And as a Libra, losing your balance is pretty much the end of the world for you. It just shuts you down...like all or nothing? It's nothing. If I have a lot to do, I end up doing nothing, and then feel guilty, and then sad, and then I get quiet and fall behind.

It's a vicious cycle.

But I'm working on that.

And I’m happy to say, after venting a bit of my sadness on the Tenth, then running off to the lake and taking off work yesterday and today, and going out with my family tomorrow, I DO feel a world lifted off my shoulders. I feel happy, almost. And relieved. That balance is finally returning to me.

It was just a blip. I blinked. A slight glitch in Ashley's mission of trying to get caught up from the summer...going away for a long time from the standard online life makes for a hard trip back into a normal schedule.

But enough of my whining. Like I said, I honestly feel like I have a handle on it this time, and before I know it, everything will be simple and breezy like it used to be: daily writing, daily reading, casual emails, and MYLO (my life online: a cute little abbreviation I found in my latest copy of GameInformer...yes, I read GameInformer) will be as warm and happy as the family eating soup on the right side of the window.

Here's looking at them...and you. Happy Friday the 13th!