Out of Season
Several tornadoes touched down here in Arkansas yesterday.
Baby Girl and I went out walking, and the wind just wouldn't let go. It's all I could hear. That, and Baby Girl's cries. The wind was so fast, it scared her.
She pushed me down in the middle of the road, all dirty with bits of gravel stuck to my skin. And although I had spent much of the day crying myself, so worried of the oncoming storms and the mistakes that I have made here lately, I smiled, and held her close. It's exactly what we needed...
Each other.
I hugged her, and told her Baby, it's okay.
I patted her back, and played with her hair, and grabbed her little hands and danced her on my tummy.
She smiled, and the wind blew something fierce, howling down our dirtroad, through our trees and the flowers growing all along side of where we walk with blue skies, massive white clouds and a heartless white sun above us.
She climbed from my tummy. Crawled to my feet. Took off my shoes, and beat me with 'em.
I laughed, and she laughed, and finally put 'em back.
She helped me find my feet.
...
It stormed something horrible after we got home, though lucky for us, not down here. It stayed up in the Northern counties. Warning after warning, moved through the same exact region. Eight tornadoes in all, though I think only four touched down. Causing massive amounts of damage, and one person lost their life.
I'm surprised I didn't stay up to watch the sky. To make sure it stayed up north, though tonight looks to be our night. And seeing this, I decided, Best to sleep while you can, and stay up all night tomorrow...which, of course, is now tonight. So I'll be here. And that'll be fun. I'll write and write, and hopefully evict Fiction from my mind. Get those stories wrapped up, and ready to post.
I'm ready to get back into my nonfiction side. Do whatever I can to make things right, for all the mistakes that I have made.
My child, I've got to keep smiling..I try so hard to bring her comfort in such scary times, though I am scared myself.
I called my mother last night. Invited her to come play with Baby Girl. I get too distracted by the weather. I zone out and pray and cry and think, and plan our possible escape, while Baby Girl's playing, and Oops! she's falling. Crying. Ash, God! you stupid jackass, why weren't you watching her?!
Sometimes it's too much for me to handle alone.
Seeking shelter from this storm, and the wind that blows where nobody knows, I lose sleep and composure, and I can't be weak...I don't know what this day and night might bring. Hopefully just the writing, the eviction, time by my side, happy people smiling, and no tornadoes for any counties of any state, for the comfort of a scared mommy who can't stop watching.
For the child who's watching me.
...
Baby Girl, flying her "grass kite".
Baby Girl and I hugging in the middle of the road. And no, I don't normally take photographical advantage of our special little moments, but this one lasted so long, I thought Well, why not. Maybe it's during those special moments I should take advantage...
Baby Girl, after puttting my shoes back on me: laughing, happy. Thank God.
6 comments:
Your photos are always so beautiful. The glimpses into your life so beautiful too. (I call myself a writer but can't think of a better word here than 'beautiful'. Tut tut.)
I'm sorry it's frightening, and I'm sorry it's such hard work, but you're coping and you must recognise that, you're doing a better job than some with harder circumstances. You have a beautiful (again) spirit and are giving that Baby Girl a wonderful life. You actually take her on walks? I mean I always meant to, but you know, life gets in the way. Basically the role of good mother is always one of thinking you're not doing it right because you want so much to be as good as you can. She needs a few bumps and a bit of freedom. It's not healthy to breathe for your kids.
When you find yourself in the dark and inside your own storms remember that you've got your fanclub over here thinking good, beautiful thoughts to you.
Take care, honey, Jxxx
Being suddenly so far away from AR has made me out of touch w/ your weather, Ash. I'll have to try to keep up from now on for the sake of my "old home" and your home.
Loved the post. Great w/ photos. It'll be worth a re-read this evening when I'll be thinking about you and hoping storms stay away. Otherwise, I plan to stop by J-town late this evening while I'm working. I hope you'll stop in for a few to let me know about the storms and so we can touch base in my cyperspace reality. (i really enjoyed that oxymoron ;) )
Heidi
My Mother used to live in Mena. It is lovely up there. I didn't know about tornados. Those sound pretty scary. Hope you made it through them ok.
Tornado Alley's and thereabouts is a scary place! Be safe.
Oh Ash, there is precious little in this life or any other that can match the special grace and perfection of being able to comfort a child. And I'm so pleased Baby Girl in return helped you to find your feet.
FiL
Thank you Fil, for being so sweet and thoughtful. :)
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Thank you Daibh, for being worried and warm. :)
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Thank you Gary, for being hopeful and here. :)
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Thank you Heidi, for being a wonderful friend. I wish I would have been online so I could have stopped by J-Town with you. I'll be in touch soon...this weekend: putting the fiction on hold. :)
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Thank you Mimey, for being beautiful yourself. For being so supportive. A fellow writer and mother. For reminding me that I'm not alone. :)
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Thanks everyone, and I hope you're all well.
These comments really meant a lot to me...
Happy Friday!
Love,
~ Ash
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