Republicans Love Bic

Ink pens, that is. Nothing better than a Bic Round Stic. Must be black though. I refuse to write in blue ink. Once you go black, you never go back...and no, I'm not drunk. For reasons I shant discuss, I've put the bottle aside again. I'm just in a good mood for once. I'm so sorry for all the sad bastardness I posted Wednesday, and for all the sad bastardness I just posted for Poetry Thursday.

I was thinking here lately, about blogging and such. I go through these strange little phases where I want to quit blogging, and I run away and do nothing but drink an exorbitant amount of Peppermint Schnapps and watch hours of syndicated television. I think my problem is I just get really scared sometimes. I feel like blogs are these giant windows to my life. Like anyone who reads this is a peeping Tom, but in a welcomed, wanted, non-perverse type way. You're not watching me shower. You're watching me think. You're watching me write. But when I'm really depressed, I don’t want anyone to have to read that. I feel like a burden. The dog that goes off into the woods to die so his owners won't see him. So hence the drinking (hiding from myself) and not blogging, writing, reading (hiding from everyone else).

As if I matter in the grand scheme of things.

I realize I don't.

Still, that's no reason not to blog. I just want to be happy. And writing this like a diary, the way I used to, might help. It’s worth another try.

Again, I’m sorry for being so distant, down, and generally a mess.

Now who’s up for fifty questions?

I know I am. I couldn't sleep...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Your eyes are big.

2. How much cash do you have on you? Eighty bucks.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?” Whore.

4. Favorite planet? Pluto. The poor thing.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Cell phones are stupid and should be tossed in thy nearest gutter.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? I don't mess with ring tones.

7. What shirt are you wearing? No shirt. Shiny gold nighty thing.

8. Do you “label” yourself? Yes! Thanks to Blogger Beta. ;)

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? No shoes.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Both...it's dark, but yesterday I strung up some green Christmas lights to be festive and inspire me, so now I'm in a magical little cave.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? She's great! Beautiful. Wonderful writer. Probably hates me. But I love her. She's one of those people I'll always care about, and never forget.

12. What does your watch look like? Puck watches. Who needs to know what time it is ALL THE TIME. Makes me nervous.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Midnight...I watched a movie, washed my hair, wrote three or four poems, and midnight was around there somewhere.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Again, I don't mess with that stuff.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? An hour of so away.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? I cuss a lot. In a very casual, southern belle way.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My best friend...He thinks I'm tired of him, but I'm not.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Does Baby Girl count? I washed her hair before she went to bed.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Unless chocolate’s a drug, I've done nothing.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? Two.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? Sixteen and Twenty-two.

22. Your worst enemy? Me, of course.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Zach Braff, in all his Scrubalicious glory!

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? Out loud? Something about sex.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? I'd fly. I'd come see you. We'd sit on your porch and swing, and if I get there and find you don't have one, then we'll fly till we find one. We'll fly to the ocean and to the moon! We'll fly to Pluto and tell him, It's all right. We think you're a planet. Then we'll curl up and sleep on Pluto till the sun never rises and we freeze.

26. Do you like someone? I do.

27. The last song you listened to? Brothers on a Hotel Bed.

28. What time of day were you born? Four o' one. Saturday afternoon.

29. What’s your favorite number? Numbers are stupid.

30. Where did you live in 1987? This state. This town. The other end of this very highway.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? I'm jealous of all the girls who are thin because they haven't had kids yet, or they don't eat lots of candy like I do. Or they don't drink. Or they actually work out instead of lying on their asses watching old movies on TV.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably not.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? High school.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Cuss and hit the God damn thing for taking my God damn money, you God damn piece of pucking trash!! I hate you! Give me my Sprite!!

35. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes. I love everyone, and I think of people all the time. Of what I'd like to say to them, and what I hope for them, and wonder what they're up to, if they're doing well. But so often, my own problems get in the way of actually showing that kindness. So no. I guess I'm not.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? No tattoos for me.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? French.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? If they lived somewhere nice and pretty.

39. Are you touchy feely? Not really.

40. What’s your life motto? When in doubt, say thank you.

If that doesn't work: apologize.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times? A necklace. Freckles. Wide paranoid eyes.

42. What’s your favorite town/city? Conway.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? A couple of Subway sandwiches.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Years ago. I've got Christmas cards going out soon though.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Nope.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? He's in college. Still gorgeous. Still rich. Still hates me.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry? I’m mainly French.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? I dressed up last Saturday to go grocery shopping.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My back from sitting.

50. Have you been burned by love? Yes. Men like to leave me.

Because I Don't Want to Write a Novel...

Yay! Guess who's potty-trained!!

Couldn't sleep. Thought I'd fill in the blanks a bit; catch up on blogging, and generally procrastinate.

You know me.

{ Red }
1. Closest red thing to you? Picture on the wall I drew in red pencil.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? Yes.
3. Last thing to make you angry? Being treated like a child.
4. Are you a fan of romance? Yes.
5. Have you ever been in love? One too many times.
6. Do you have a temper? Yes.

{ GREEN }
1. Closest green thing to you? My coffee mug.
2. Do you care about the environment? Yes.
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? Everyone who's going to win NaNoWriMo. Everyone who has more words than me. All the writers who are published. The millions who are better at writing. People who are asleep.
4. Are you a lucky person? Not at all.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? I want what I don't have.
6. Are you Irish? One third, plus French and Scottish.

{ PURPLE }
1. Last purple thing you saw? The font on Jemima's page, from whence I stole this.
2. Like being treated to expensive things? No. Gifts make me feel guilty.
3. Do you like mysterious things? I like simple things. Honest things.
4. Favorite type of chocolate? Dark and cheap.
5. Ever met any royalty? Of course not.
6. Are you creative? Obviously.
7. Are you lonely? I'm desolate.

{ BLUE }
1. Closest blue thing to you? My coffee mug. Tis green and blue striped.
2. Are you good at calming people down? Just Baby Girl.
3. Do you like the ocean? I love the ocean.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? The fear of my mom finding my blogs, now that she knows how.
5. Are you a logical thinker? Unfortunately.
6. Can you sleep easily? Not at all.
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The beach, but I live in the woods.

{ YELLOW }
1. Closest yellow thing to you? The stars and moon in Van Gogh's The Starry Night.
2. The happiest time(s) of your life? I'll let you know as soon as it happens.
3. Favorite holiday? Halloween.
4. Are you a coward? Yes.
5. Do you burn or tan? I usually tan.
6. Do you want children? I've been sad lately, thinking I want another baby, but in the long run, I'm about ninety-nine percent sure I don't.
7. What makes you happy? The happiness of others.

{ PINK }
1. Closest pink thing to you? The tights I'm wearing.
2. Do you like sweet things? Yes.
3. Like play-fighting? No.
4. Are you sensitive? Yes.
5. Do you like punk music? Yes.
6. What is your favorite flower? Daffodils.
7. Does someone have a crush on you? No.

{ ORANGE }
1. Closest orange thing to you? A copy of Huck Finn.
2. Do you like to burn things? I used to.
3. Dress up for Halloween? I was going to, but fell asleep.
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? Towards others, when I'm not distracted by my writing, or my own sadness.
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? There’s good and bad in all of it. You're pretty much screwed either way.
6. What would your super power be? To touch people and make them happy. I'd fly all over the world, just touching everyone.

{ WHITE }
1. Closest white thing to you? My bra and socks.
2. Would you say you're innocent? No. I'm drenched in sin.
3. Always try to keep the peace? I try, but fail.
4. How do you imagine your wedding? Me in a Cinderella dress with flowers in my hair, a dark green ribbon around the waist, barefoot. Outside. On a beach or on a grassy hill near a little white church. A gorgeous, kind, brilliant, funny, and thoughtful, understanding man with a good job and great smile, watching me walk down the make-believe aisle, thinking, I love this girl more than anything, and will never be mean to her. Never yell at her. Never cheat on her. Or hurt her in any way. I'll treat her like a princess, and read her writing, and play with her child till the end of my days.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? I love it.
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? Yes.

{ BLACK }
1. Closest black thing to you? My desktop.
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? Never.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? Mostly silly.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? Everyone does.
5. What is(are) your favorite color(s)? Green and blue.
6. Does the color you wear affect your mood? Wearing the bright pink tights with a gold silk nightgown, I feel like the most horrible, hideous, and heartless person in the whole wide world. So no. I should probably be wearing all black.

Shouting your name

It's Friday night, and yes, I'm technically (though probably just temporarily) dead, but I'm real lonely right now. Getting good and coffeed up for a night of noveling. Going to try to fix the massive cliché I planted at the opening of the damn thing, and also, my wordcount: it's not exactly up to par.

I missed the first day. And the third.

(Sigh)

A bit of blogging, to warm up and ease my tired mind.
...

Have You Ever ~

1. Taken a picture completely naked? Not completely naked.
2. Danced in front of a mirror naked? Yes.
3. Told a lie? Yes.
4. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Almost always.
5. Been arrested? No.
6. Seen someone die? I think so.
7. Kissed a picture? Of course.
8. Slept in until 5pm? Yes.
9. Had sex at work (on the clock)? Not on the clock... ;) But yes. Had sex at the guy's work. On his desk.
10. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes.
11. Held a snake? Yep. Wrapped a python around my neck.
12. Ran a red light? Yes.
13. Been suspended from school? No.
14. Pole danced? Yes.
15. Been fired from a job? No.
16. Sang karaoke? Yes! I kicked ass with Norah Jones's Don't Know Why.
17. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Definitely.
18. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Probably.
19. Laughed until you peed? No.
20. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.
21. Kissed in the rain? Yes.
22. Had sex in the rain? No.
23. Sang in the shower? Nightly.
24. Gave your private parts a nickname? Yes.
25. Ever gone to school/work without underwear? Yes.
26. Sat on a roof top? Yes.
27. Played chicken? Yes.
28. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No.
29. Broken a bone? Lots.
30. Flashed someone? Possibly.
31. Mooned someone? No.
32. Shaved your head? No.
33. Slept naked? Nightly.
34. Blacked out from drinking? Just once.
35. Played a prank on someone? Yes.
36. Had a gym membership? Not yet.
37. Felt like killing someone? Yes.
38. Cried over someone you were in love with? All the time.
39. Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No.
40. Been in a band? Yes.
41. Shot a gun? Yes.
42. Shot a bow and arrow? Yes.
43. Played strip poker? No.
44. Donated Blood? No.
45. Ever jump out of an airplane? No.
46. Been to more than 10 countries? I haven't been to ten states! Never left the country...

Slowly Sinking

Feeling playful, yet lonely. I haven't slept. It's been raining here since Wednesday morning. Gray. Storming.

Sorry for my lack of posting and presence in general: I haven't been online much this week. Busy. Sad. Etc.

I hope everyone else is happy and well.

Just for fun, and fluff, and Friday, I stole the following survey from my friend JVS:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

My idea of perfect happiness is walking barefoot on a beach with blue skies, blue water, white sand, soft and smooth. Sun setting. Rising. Making love in the inbetween time. Then running home to a big warm bath, and equally warm and big bed with a skylight above me so I can see the stars. Somewhere that isn’t a trailer in tornado alley. With a man who actually loves me, for what’s in my heart if I have one.

That, and being a published writer.

What is your greatest fear?

Never being a published writer.

What is your favorite journey?

The journey from the blank page to the full page.

What do you consider the most over-rated virtue?

Love.

What virtue do you wish you had more of?

Patience.

On what occasion do you lie?

When my head and heart both agree that it’s best and basically harmless. But I don’t like to lie, and rarely do so.

Which words do you most over use?

In real life: No (to Baby Girl). I’m lonely. [Profanity]

In my writing: God Damn. Come. Inbetween. In general. Blue. Green. Sun.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Shoes.

What do you dislike about your appearance?

I’ve come to terms with my outward appearance. I think it’s all right. Not too fond of the stretch marks, though. Or my giant nose.

Which living person do you most despise?

My step-dad.

What is your greatest regret?

Not killing step-dad.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

What, would be my writing. Who, would be Baby Girl. And in the more romantic sense: the boy who broke my heart into thousands of tiny pieces when I was sixteen.

When and where were you happiest?

In the front yard, at a party, on New Year’s Eve, 1999. I will forever live in that little moment in time when we were together, and just starting to fall in love. Thinking the world was fixing to end, I asked him to crawl into the backseat and sleep with me. When he said no, I loved him immediately.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Singing. Tis a dream of mine to star on Broadway.

What is your current state of mind?

Dark clouds, clearing? Breaking. Something new and exciting on the horizon. A chance to wander through tall grass. Run towards the sunlight. Be warm and happy in a constant state of writer’s delight. Yet my heart is aching. I am lonely. Quiet. Restless on this long and rainy night.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

There’s no answer to this question for me. My family is a lost and broken cause.

If you could die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?

I’d come back as a cat. Lie in bed all day. Sit on people’s laps. Rub my tiny nose against their cheeks. Be petted. Loved. Fed. Watered. Adored by my owner. Sit in the windowsill warming my sleek black fur. Stare at the sun. Chase mice. Purr while having my tummy rubbed.

What is your most treasured possession?

All my writing and photos.

What thing would you like to have, that you do not?

A real house.

What do you think is the lowest depth of misery?

The lowest depth of misery is helplessness during a time of danger. People cowering in war zones. Children being beaten in their own homes. Kids being shot at school. Families in burning buildings. People on crashing planes. Dieing in pain, with no escape.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Intelligence. Unless he’s WAY smarter than me, and makes me feel stupid in comparison.

What physical quality do you like in a man?

I like dark hair, dark eyes, kind smiles, big noses, strong arms. Really short, or really tall. Not too thin or too fat. Middle age is nice. They know who they are, and where they’ve been. Not always where they’re going. But that’s half the fun: being with them when they figure it out.

What do you most value in friends?

Compassion.

What quality do you most dislike in a person?

Cowardice.

Who are your favorite writers?

Frank McCourt. Dr. Seuss. Shakespeare. All my blogging friends.

Who are your heroes in real life?

My heroes are Frank McCourt, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Audrey Hepburn, and Sufjan Stevens. Frank won the Pulitzer. Bogart is just flat-out fantastic. Bacall had the balls to get what she wanted, and keep Bogart on his toes. Audrey was gorgeous, and graceful, and kind. Sufjan is also gorgeous, talented, writes and sings and plays from his heart.

What are your favorite names?

Francis, Tobias, Atticus, and Benjamin, for boys.

For a girl: Juliet.

How would you like to die?

Plane crash. Drowning. Or in my sleep would be just fine.

What is your motto?

Be calm.

Be clear.

Be concise.